My name is Ha, and I identify as a good daughter.
Growing up in Vietnam in the 1980s, I was taught to live up to the expectation of my parents, my teachers, my relatives, my neighbors, and society in order to be considered a so-called “good daughter”.
And I did a good job of doing so. I was kind, did what to be told, got good grades, and went to the top schools in my province, and then on to an international college with a scholarship.
Although this path required lots of hard work, it gave me acceptance, recognition, and love. And those were all the things I desired for, in order to be happy.
But when I moved out to actual adult life and started on my career journey, I felt lost.
Some people said to follow my strengths. But I had no clue as to what my strengths were.
Some said to follow my passion. I considered that an out-of-reach concept.
And on this issue, my parents could not give me any guidance.
However, instead of searching within myself for an answer, I, again, looked to societal expectations for direction.
I picked a job at a well-known corporation, in a career path that was considered respectable in Vietnamese society.
I did it because I thought I would get accepted, recognized, and loved.
But when I actually went down that path, I felt emptiness. And I wasn’t sure if I had acceptance, recognition, and love, because nobody was telling me.
I did not feel better even when I got promoted and I started earning more.
I thought that maybe I had not climbed high enough, earned enough, succeeded enough, and therefore, I set higher goals for myself.
The process towards those goals made me physically and mentally tired. I felt stressed, and lonely.
But the tipping point came when one of my parents compared me with his friend’s daughter. He told me that “I was not good enough”.
I felt my world collapsing around me. I felt increasingly bitter.
I wondered how much was enough.
Looking back, it seemed like I hardly got any enjoyment out of the whole process.
Living up to other expectations cost me 25 years of suffering.
The thought of ending my life crossed my mind at that bitter moment.
But I decided never to live like that again.
I explored different ways to connect to myself.
But my journey of transformation was not easy.
My mindset and behavior were one way, for 25 years. There was no way I could change it overnight.
I had to be very patient with myself in order to break the association between my mindset and my behavior.
I had a habit of pleasing everyone, and acting in accordance with their wishes. It took me three years to undo this habit, but only to a certain extent. I started with strangers, for they were easier to say no to. Then I went on to apply it to my relationship with friends, and then my parents, and eventually my spouse.
There were times, of course, that I fell back to my old habits without noticing. So I partnered with my coach to enhance my awareness, identify repeated patterns, and more importantly, to hold myself accountable for my actions.
My journey was painful at the beginning, but the results today are awesome.
I gradually strengthened my connection with my inner self; I love myself more now, and I take better care of myself.
This stronger connection that I had to my inner self led me, eventually, to become aware of my passions, to identify my life vision and to find my dream job.
It’s just taken an incredibly long time. Now, I’m not saying that this journey would be exactly the same for you. Your challenges will be different, and the solutions you find for yourself will be different.
But if there’s an emptiness in the middle of your world, the best thing you can do is recognize it, and to start searching for answers today — even if it takes you a long time to come to terms with yourself.
If you find yourself in a similar situation, here are some ideas to get started:
1. Be grateful for what you have experienced.
Does this sound funny? It probably does. In reality, however, gratefulness is an awesome healing remedy!
When you want to embark on a journey of personal change, you may start out in pain, or blame yourself and others for treating you in terrible ways. Such negative thoughts hold you back, and make it harder for you to move forward.
When you show your gratitude towards all that has happened, however, you accept the past, learn the lessons, and move on. You will feel relieved, and you will eventually be ready for a “new” you.
2. Reconnect with yourself.
Listen to your own voice by setting aside time for reflection at the end of the day. Journaling is a good option. You can start out by writing down the answer for the following questions:
What was the best moment in your day today? How did you feel at that moment? What made you feel that way?
What were the not-so-good moments in your day today? How did you feel at that moment? What made you feel that way?
Given your answers to these questions, what have you begun to learn about yourself today?
What will you do differently to have a better day tomorrow?
3. Spend quality time with you.
If you know what makes you feel fulfilled the most, schedule time to do so.
If you don’t know what makes you feel fulfilled the most, schedule time to explore different activities to find what it is.
Knowing what makes you feel fulfilled and re-energized is incredibly useful as you set out on a journey of personal transformation.
These actions now have become habitual to me, and they’ve been incredibly helpful in strengthening my connection with my inner self.
I hope that these habits will be helpful to you as well and that you may better enjoy your own life.