Fitting in and belonging sound like similar things.
Even the Oxford Learner’s Dictionary gives us very similar definitions:
· “to fit in” means to live, work, etc. in an easy and natural way with somebody or something.
· “to belong” means to feel comfortable and happy in a particular situation or with a particular group of people.
Both phrases refer to the interaction that you — an individual — have with others, a somebody or a group of somebodies.
Understanding these terms conceptually takes me no more than a minute.
But understanding these terms deeply enough to distinguish when you’re fitting in vs when you’re belonging takes years of experiencing both, and then reflecting on which it is.
That is to say, there is a gulf between the concepts and the actual lived experience of fitting in vs belonging.
Looking back, I remember a time when I admired a group of people so much that I did everything I could to fit in. I thought that when I finally gained acceptance, I would be so happy. But instead I became exhausted. I realized that I did not belong to the group.
Recently, I discovered a couple of quotes from young people as shared in Brené Brown’s book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead. The following snippets truly resonated with me:
Belonging is being somewhere where you want to be, and they want you. Fitting in is being somewhere you really want to be, but they don’t care one way or the other.
Belonging is being accepted for you. Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else.
I get to be me if I belong. I have to be like you to fit in.
Think of your workplace or — if you’re going to school, to the people you hang out with when you’re at class. Are you fitting in, or do you belong?